It has been a very long time since I have updated.
I have just been incredibly busy!
Swamped in everyday hassles.
Why does it seem like most decisions for other people to make always have to fall in my hands?
I am not inclined to do any decision-making because I do not have the right/enough experience to do so. I am very unaware of rational solutions. To me, everything is irrational. Everything is abnormal. Of course, normality is inexisitent. Humans are so vulnerable to change. I love change. If everything was the same, then I would defintely commit suicide. I believe things are created from chaos=Chaos Theory. I'd rather make this entry short because I have my priorities set. So "please excuse my dear aunt sally"(lol, just kidding...I remember that memory device(the order of operationss) from my early years in math class). I end this entry by saying I have no response to what my body's stimuli are reporting from the vast enviroment that I am surrounded by. Please note that all my thoughts are very descriptive and may not give an actual answer. I try the best I can to convert my thoughts into "normal" everyday lingo, but of course most will be constricted in their usage of brain cells to identify what exactly I am saying to them. I play dumb because life is made up of stages. I am an actress. We are all actors and actresses, ergo that is why we love to express ourselves in magnificent ways.
Let me grasp the hand that feeds me and bite the shit out of it.
Boredom is the only friend I have.
Okay...okay...OKAY I get it.
No...I am still insane. So, what's happening in your life? Well, nothing much for me. I have to deal with everyone else's problems instead of my own. My problems are too hard to swallow among other things,[hehe]. LIKE OMYGOD~! My mind is warped. Here are my plans for my own tormented death-future.
1) Buy some ammo
2) Buy some guns
3) Have some fun!
4) Kill EveRyOnE!!!
{just kidding}
I should give you a word a day. Then we can all learn something new.
WORD OF THE DAY:
enmity(n.)-hatred; hostility;animosity
Example: The enmity of humanity develops if it is unable to conquer obstacles.
URG... I have a song in my head, and I cannot get it out.
Well, it's been a pretty much boring week. Good-bye. So long...See ya tomorrow or the next day/night or the next day/night. SCREW IT...I WILL SEE YOU SOME TIME SOON!!!
Well...So far my life has been pushed into obstacles that I cannot eradicate. The whole Brian thing was short-lived. Now I live with hate in my heart and no trust. Why do I repeatedly do stupid, illogical actions? It is a crime to act stupid. But of course one of my mottos is: "Smart people do stupid things." I recently added that to my list. It is true. AND it applies to everyone, not just tested highly intelligent humans. It applies to all and any. I believe that everybody is intelligent because everyone was born with intelligence. The only thing that differs is what level of intelligence you have. We all have intelligence, including those who are mentally challenged. You may ask [or be thinking] why I am disscussing this issue, which is of my concern, in such a great thought. The answer only lies within myself, but you should have the certain ability to understand why. I guess I should move on to the next observation I found.
Next we will learn about how life sucks!
I'll rephrase that...how LOVE sucks.
Love, we need it, we want it. What a "great" feeling it is. If only it would L A S T.
The key ingredient is to have trust. We have all heard [in someway] that statement. Trust used to be not a terrible issue for me to face. I used to be able to trust anyone. Now, I can't even trust myself as much as one of my friends or a new/old/present lover. I have so many questions and NO answers have been found. Where is this love that I have been so desperately wanting forever(ever since I knew what is was)? It seems like everytime I THINK I have found it, it wanders off into a spiral of death. I wish I could find someone whose emotions can leave a staying residue in my heart forever and do the same to that someone. I am so lonely, I can't even cry!
Nothing has changed except for me accepting reality. I accepted reality and look where it got me.
Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~Limited in what I need to say because my headache will not go away. I guess I will go. I need to regain control.~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel...I do not know what I feel.
When I really think that I have got my whole life figured out and everything is fine, my whole life crumbles before my eyes. Relationships suck. I wish people could understand how I feel without me explaining every little detail there is. Sheesh, I know I am confusing, but if you look deeper into me then you will see I am very simple to understand. People misconstrue what I do and say all the damn time. It's pathetic once you stop and think about it. I hate fighting, anything that involves being angry. I love my life being chaotic...but sometimes I need a chill pill. I just wish things would work out for me. Just when I think about being happy, it all comes tumbling down on me. And I am left without any hope of rescuing what I once was holding on to. The usual results of my relationships happen to be: we first get-along oh so well, then in the middle we get into a argument over confusion, and in the end we split. It sucks being me. It really fucking does. Do I have to scream out loud every thought that pops into my fucking head just so I can be heard. JUST SO I CAN BE UNDERSTOOD. There is no motive or reasoning behind anything I do because I just go with the flow. Well, I go with my inner voice(intuition). It's very surprising how I can understand everybody else oh so clearly and fine, but they cannot construe anything I ever say or do. Does it have to take Albert Einstein to understand me? Geez la freaking la weez, I tell ya what...I want to disappear. I have always wanted to be "kidnapped" by someone who understands me and travel on an adventure that never ends. I am a dreamer. I fantasize all the damn time about different amazing things. What a genius I am to glorify every living thing and intertwine it into one big thing. I think everything relates.
Everything happens for a reason.
I just do not consciously know the reason behind everything that transpires in life itself and my life.
Urg, when am I ever going to learn or know.
I deserve nothing. I am no one. My world has ended a long long time ago.
I am so confused. I can't face any of my problems.
I am too much of a Pisces.
Everything I do is considered wrong. I am guilty as charged. I do not belong here.
BUT no suicide for me. I will just let myself go...go and die on the inside.
Then maybe I'll die on the outside.
Maybe.
Buh-bye. My lovely intellectual electronic therapist.
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